On occasion, I have wondered how I would react if I had to hear those words. I pictured myself breaking down into hysterical sobbing, making out my will, writing my obituary, and planning my funeral. I was certain I’d never be able to drag myself out of bed again and I’d be making arrangements for new parents of Maggie and Jonnie Katt. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop crying, I’d drown in my own tears at night while sleeping.
In reality, none of those things have happened. There is a peace within me, hope surrounds me, and I am finding strength in God’s promises and scripture. I’m filled with optimism and feel certain all will be well and my body will heal itself of whatever is ailing. I have surprised myself. I still haven’t cried.
I’ve also learned a a few things about people. There are people who are kind and tell me they are there for me if I need them. Some of those people surprised me with their unexpected kind words. Some people just want to be nosy…I expected that. Some people don’t want to be around me, like maybe they don’t know what to say or they are afraid they might catch cancer from me. The silence from some is deafening. There are those who won’t say anything to me but are quick to talk about me and make speculations as to what is wrong with me and what type of cancer I may have. And there are those who are reliving in their minds losing a loved one in the past and are very emotional. They are still filled with pain.
I’ve also learned some things about myself. I don’t want anyone around me crying and being sad, immediately thinking the worst. If they cannot share in my faith of God’s healing, I’d like them to stay away from me. I’m going to be quite selfish right now. I believe in God’s healing power and prayer. I believe God’s got this, that He will not leave me nor forsake me, and if I have faith as a grain of mustard seed, I can move mountains…and cancer. It’s important that those around me believe right now, too.
I have learned that my trust has to be in God. All of it. I love the people around me, but when all is said and done and it’s the end of the day, it’s going to be God and me. I cannot expect the world to stop for my friends, they have to live their lives. God alone is my refuge and strength.
I’ve learned my faith is stronger than I knew, and my love of God is greater than I thought.
So what am I actually doing while I wait on my next doctor’s appointment? I’m being kind to myself. I’m resting, making time for things I enjoy doing, and smiling at strangers. I’m hugging my pets every day and telling them I love them. I’m reading the Bible down by the river, and praying. Every morning on the way to work I thank God for another day, for all the shades of nature’s green, for sunshine, flowers, and a warm, gentle breeze. I laugh at stupid things I read on Facebook, drink Diet Coke with wild abandon, watch The Golden Girls, and still wonder how Donald got elected President. (Please…no backtalk from my Republican friends. I listened to your whining for eight years; I’m entitled to my thoughts.) And I pray for others who are going through their own health scares and struggles. I understand the journey.
One thing that has especially touched my heart is hearing from cancer survivors, those who have had the cancer scares, and those fighting the cancer battle right now. Your strength, compassion, and kindness has touched my soul. You are all in my prayers. You are all amazing.
So if you see me out and about while we are going about our daily living, tell me a good joke and let’s laugh together. Share a funny animal video with me on Facebook. Sit down and drink a beverage with me. Share your thoughts about life with me and tell me how I can pray for you. Don’t be sad for me during this wait. Rejoice in knowing we each can have a relationship with the greatest Healer.
God’s got this.
Take care of you…