December Thoughts

It’s cold outside. I came home from work, took care of my fur kids, have put up my feet and wrapped myself in a blanket. I’m feeling a bit under the weather. That means I’m probably going to be a little emotional and slobbery with my words. Just fair warning.

Two people were exceptionally kind to me today. Their kind words, thoughtfulness, and conversation meant the moon and stars to me. Some days I don’t experience kindness, so I’ve learned to really appreciate the goodness of people. Earlier in the week a Pastor from a local church told me how much he appreciated me. I felt that he was genuine and meant what he said, and I appreciated the words and thoughtfulness. Nice words are good to hear. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want or need constant ego stroking or compliments. But feeling appreciated once in a while is a very nice feeling, and a feeling everyone should experience.

This has been a very tough year for me. I have learned much about forgiveness, human behaviors, and living a Christian life. There has been enormous hurt, sadness, growth, anger, and absolute befuddlement. There have also been moments of joy. I am constantly learning to rely on God to get me through the days, knowing I cannot do it without him. And believe me, sometimes it’s very difficult for me to let Jesus take the wheel.

This evening, my thoughts are on what kind of human I am, strive to be, and don’t want to be. Here are a few:

  1. I want to express appreciation to people whenever I feel appreciative of them.
  2. I do not want to ever make someone feel less than a person.
  3. I want to extend kindness to everyone, even those who have been unkind to me.
  4. I do not want to be vengeful, and am thankful I’m not.
  5. I want to be a good friend.
  6. I want to learn to be more loving than I am.
  7. I never want to be cruel to anyone.
  8. I want to give God the glory for every blessing in my life.
  9. I want to keep growing in my Christian walk, recognizing my shortcomings, and asking God to help me with those.
  10. I want to simplify my life.
  11. I want to be less judgmental, and more understanding.
  12. I want to show compassion for those who are struggling, whether it’s emotionally, physically, or financially.
  13. I want to better take care of myself, so I can better care for others.
  14. I want to recognize when I’m wrong and apologize when I should.
  15. I want to build people up, and not tear them down.
  16. I don’t want to spread hurtful gossip.
  17. I don’t want to make hard judgments of things I don’t understand.
  18. I want to appreciate more of the small blessings in life.
  19. I want to heal.
  20. I want to both give and receive joy; experience more joyful moments with both friends and strangers.
  21. I want to have more possibilities than regrets.

I usually don’t get this reflective until December 31st, when I’m pondering the past year and looking toward the new one. I’m just a couple weeks ahead of myself this year. Maybe this is a sign I’m working on my procrastination issues. I am hopeful!

Take care of you…

Night Thoughts

I once heard that the mind was a scary place….one should never go there alone. I’d like to add one should never go there alone at night.

Night time is when the heavy negativity hits, when problems invent and magnify themselves in seconds, and when speed bumps become mountains much too steep to climb. Every bad thing that has happened revisits and plays in slow motion. It’s when dreams become serpents chasing me in the darkness. I’d like to say it was caused by something I ate, but I didn’t eat anything. It’s just my mind playing cruel games in the dark. 

 To sleep deeply with the innocence of a child again, that would be amazing. To be free of stress and worry and wondering where the next blow is going to come from would be amazing, because it will. Someone will strike, it’s only a matter of when. And then someone will preach a mini sermon of how I’m not handing it over to God. Who are they to judge what they don’t know? They have no idea the conversations with God I have had, and know nothing about my faith, yet they judge swiftly and sharply.  They cut and stab with their words and feel righteous about doing it.

Maggie, my dog, sleeps beside me…deeply, innocently, with none of the troubles reserved for us humans.  Yet every so often even she will whimper in her sleep, and I wonder what she is dreaming.  Is a big dog chasing her?  Is she upset because I’ve gone to work? Is she fussing because she didn’t get a treat?

The darkness of night brings me no calm.  My thoughts run rampant and free.  Some nights I worry about North Korea, and some nights I worry about our own country and wonder why some people still cannot see what they’ve done by electing someone so undeserving to lead our country.  And still other nights I imagine a new life, free of worry, free of stress, filled with peace, quiet, and happiness.

So I put these thoughts down in the hope of clearing my head for sleep, replacing them with thoughts of beautiful gardens and gentle waterfalls.  Or maybe just a different life, one in which the garbage disposal works.

Sweet dreams.

Trish